The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey/Transcript
Note: Ian Holm portraying Bilbo will be referred to as "Older Bilbo Baggins" while Martin Freeman portraying bilbo will be referred to as just "Bilbo" or "Bilbo Baggins" Transcript * Older Bilbo Baggins:'''My dear Frodo:You asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I have told you the truth I may not have told you all of it. I am old now, Frodo. I'm not the same Hobbit I once was. I think it is time for you to know what really happened. It began long ago in a land far away to the east the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Dale. Its markets known far and wide. Full of the bounties of vine and vale. Peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-earth: Erebor. Stronghold of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Mightiest of the Dwarf Lords. Thror ruled with utter surety never doubting his house would endure for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson. Ah, Frodo. Erebor. Built deep within the mountain itself the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the Dwarves was unequaled fashioning objects of great beauty out of diamond, emerald, ruby and sapphire. Ever they delved deeper, down into the dark. And that is where they found it. The Heart of the Mountain. The Arkenstone. Thror named it "The King's Jewel." He took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him. Even the great Elven King, Thranduil. As the great wealth of the Dwarves grew their store of good will ran thin. No one knows exactly what began the rift. The Elves say the Dwarves stole their treasure. The Dwarves tell another tale. They say the Elf King refused to give them their rightful pay. It is sad, Frodo, how old alliances can be broken. How friendships between peoples can be lost. And for what? But the years of peace and plenty were not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Thror's love of gold had grown too fierce. A sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives bad things will follow. The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot, dry wind. ' * '''Young Thorin Oakenshield:'Balin, sound the alarm. Call out the guard. Do it now! * Younger Balin:'''What is it? * '''Young Thorin Oakenshield: Dragon. Dragon! * Old Bilbo Baggins: He was a firedrake from the North. Smaug had come. Such wanton death was dealt that day. For this city of Men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire. For a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives. * Young Thorin Oakenshield: Run for your lives! Ah! Help us! * Old Bilbo Baggins: Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wrath of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day nor any day since. Robbed of their homeland... - -the Dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness a once mighty people brought low. The young Dwarf prince took work where he could find it laboring in the villages of Men. But always he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon the trees like torches blazing bright. For he had seen dragon fire in the sky and a city turned to ash. And he never forgave and he never forgot. That, my dear Frodo, is where I come in. For, quite by chance, and the will of a Wizard fate decided I would become part of this tale. It began... Well, it began as you might expect. In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a Hobbit hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth and all the comforts of home. Thank you. * Old Bilbo: Thank you. * Frodo: What’s this? * Old Bilbo: That is private. Keep your sticky paws off! * Old Bilbo: It’s not ready yet. * Frodo: Not ready for what? * Old Bilbo: Reading. * Old Bilbo: What on earth are these? * Frodo: Replies to the party invitations. * Old Bilbo: Ah! Good gracious! Is it today? * Frodo: They all say they’re coming, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person. * Old Bilbo: Are they, indeed. Over my dead body. * Frodo: They’d probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold. * Old Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll. * Frodo: What on earth are you doing? * Old Bilbo: Taking precautions. You know I caught her making off with the silverware once. * Frodo: Who? * Old Bilbo: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She had all my spoons stuffed in her pockets. Dreadful woman. Make sure you keep an eye on her after I’m… When I’m…when… * Frodo: When you’re…what? * Old Bilbo: It’s nothing. Nothing. * Frodo: You know, some people are beginning to wonder about you, uncle. * Old Bilbo: Hmm? * Frodo: They think you’re becoming odd. * Old Bilbo: Odd? * Frodo: Well, unsociable. * Old Bilbo: Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate. * Frodo: Do you think he’ll come? * Old Bilbo: Who? * Frodo: Gandalf. * Old Bilbo: Oh, he wouldn’t miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers. He’ll give us quite a show, you’ll see. * Frodo: Right then. I am off. * Old Bilbo: Off to where? * Frodo: Eastfarthing woods. I’m going to surprise him. * Old Bilbo: Well, go on then. You don’t want to be late. over He doesn’t approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected…ever happened. ---- Scene 2: Bilbo meeting Gandalf ---- Bilbo Baggins: Good morning. Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on? Hm? Bilbo Baggins: All of them at once, I suppose. Gandalf: Hmm. Bilbo Baggins: Can I help you? Gandalf: That remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure. Bilbo Baggins: An adventure? No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner. Heh, heh. Mm. Huh. Hmm. Oh. Ah. Good morning. Gandalf: To think that I should have lived to be "good morninged" by Belladonna Took's son as if I were selling buttons at the door. Bilbo Baggins: Beg your pardon? Gandalf: You've changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo Baggins: I'm sorry, do I know you? Gandalf: Well, you know my name, although you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Gandalf. And Gandalf means... ...me. Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf? Not Gandalf the wandering Wizard... ...who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Heh, heh. Ahem. No idea you were still in business. Gandalf: And where else should I be? Bilbo Baggins: Where else...? Ahem. Gandalf: Well, I'm pleased to find you remember something about me... ...even if it's only my fireworks. Yes. Well, that's decided. It'll be very good for you (Bilbo looks at Gandalf confused) and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others. Bilbo Baggins: Inform the who? What? No. No. No... Wait. We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today. Not... I suggest you try Over the Hill or Across the Water. Good morning. Farmer(Mr. Worrywort): "Hello, Mr. Bilbo. Here. Have a feel of me tubers. Nice and firm, they are. Just come in from West Farthing." Bilbo Baggins: "Very impressive, Mr. Worrywort. Now, I don't suppose you've seen a Wizard lurking around these parts?" Mr. Worrywort: "A tall fellow? Long, gray beard? Pointy hat...? Can't say I have." ---- Bilbo is about to eat, but the doorbell rings before he begins to. * Dwalin: Dwalin, at your service. * Bilbo Baggins: Hm. Uh... Bilbo Baggins, at yours. Do we know each other? * Dwalin: No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here? * Bilbo Baggins: Is what down where? * Dwalin: Supper. He said there'd be food and lots of it. * Bilbo Baggins: He... He said? Who said? * Dwalin: Mmm. Mmm. Very good, this. Any more? * Bilbo Baggins: What? Oh, yes, yes. Ah. Help yourself. Hmm. It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company. * Dwalin: That'll be the door. * Balin: Balin, at your service. * Bilbo Baggins: Good evening. * Balin: Yes. Yes, it is. Though I think it might rain later. * Bilbo Baggins: Hm? * Balin: Am I late? * Bilbo Baggins: Late for what? * Balin: Oh! Ha, ha! Evening, brother. * Dwalin: By my beard... ...you're shorter and wider than last we met. * Balin: Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us. * Bilbo Baggins: Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I hate to interrupt. But the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house. * Balin: Have you eaten? * Bilbo: It's not that I don't like visitors. I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come "visiting". * Dwalin: What is this? * Balin: I don't know. I think it's cheese. Gone blue. * Dwalin:'It's riddled with mold. * '''Bilbo:'The thing is, I don't know either of you. Not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry. * '''Balin: '''You think...? Apology accepted.Now, fill it up, brother, don't stint. * '''Dwalin: '''You wanna get stuck in? * '''Balin: '''I could eat again if you insist, brother. * '''Fili: '''Fili. * '''Kili: '''And Kili. * '''Fili and Kili: '''At your service. * '''Kili: '''You must be Mr. Boggins. * '''Bilbo: '''No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house. * '''Kili: '''What?! Has it been canceled? * '''Fili: '''No one told us. * '''Bilbo: '''Can…! No, nothing’s been canceled. * '''Kili: '''That’s a relief. * '''Fili: '''Careful with these, I just had them sharpened. * '''Kili: '''It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself? * '''Bilbo: '''Uh…no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that? * '''Dwalin: '''Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand. * '''Kili: '''Mr. Dwalin. * '''Balin: '''Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in. * '''Bilbo: '''Ev…everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste! * '''One of the Dwarves: '''Get off, you big lump! * pokes his head through the door * '''Bilbo: '''Gandalf. ---- * '''Bilbo: Those are my… Excuse me, not my wine! Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please. Excuse me. Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn’t it? Have you got a cheese knife? * Bofur: A cheese knife? He eats it by the block. * Bilbo: No no, that’s Grandpa Mungo’s chair, no…uh, so is that. Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you. That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down. * Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf. * Gandalf: Yes? * Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile? * Gandalf: Ooh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine, for me I think. * Gandalf: Uh..Fili, Kili. Uh…Oin, Gloin. Dwalin, Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori. * Bilbo: No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you. * Gandalf: Ori! * Gandalf: Yes, you are quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short. * Dwalin: He is late, is all. He traveled north to a meeting of our kin, he will come. * Dori: Mr. Gandalf? * Gandalf: Hmm? * Dori: A little glass of red wine as requested, it’s got a fruity bouquet. * Gandalf: Oh, cheers. * Fili: Who wants an ale? There you go. * Oin: Let me have another drink. * Balin: Here you go. * Bofur: Hey, on the count of three! One! Two! Come! * Bilbo: Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth. * Bofur: But it’s full of holes! * Bilbo: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet. * Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it. * Bilbo: Bebother and confusticate these dwarves! * Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter? * Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they’re doing here? * Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them. * Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod in the carpet, they…they’ve pillag=ed the pantry! I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom, they’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house! * Ori: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate? * Fili: Here you go, Ori, give it to me. * Bilbo: Excuse me! That’s my mother’s Westfarthing pottery, it’s over a hundred years old! And…and, ca…can you not do that, you’ll blunt them! * Bofur: Ooh, d’you hear that, lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives! * Kili: Blunt the knives, bend the forks * Fili: Smash the bottles and bum the corks * Other Dwarves join in: Chip the glasses and crack the plates That's what Bilbo Baggins hates Cut the cloth, tread on the fat Leave the bones on the bedroom mat Pour the milk on the pantry floor Splash the wine on every door Dump the crooks in a boiling bowl Pound them up with a thumping pole When you're finished, if they are whole Send them down the hall to roll That's what Bilbo Baggins hates * Gandalf: He is here. * Thorin: Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door. * Bilbo: Mark? There's no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago. * Gandalf: There is a mark. I put it there myself. Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company: Thorin Oakenshield. * Thorin: So... ...this is the Hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting? * Bilbo Baggins: Pardon me? * Thorin: Ax or sword? What's your weapon of choice? * Bilbo Baggins: Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know... ...but I fail to see why that's relevant. * Thorin: Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar. * Balin:'What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come? * '''Thorin Oakenshield:'Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms. * '''Dwalin: And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hill say? Is Dain with us? * Thorin Oakenshield:'''They will not come. They say this quest is ours, and ours alone. * '''Bilbo: You’re doing a quest? * Gandalf: Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light. Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak. * Bilbo: The Lonely Mountain. * Glóin:'''Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time.' * 'Óin:Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end. * '''Bilbo: Uh…what beast? * Bofur: Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals. * Bilbo: Yes, I know what a dragon is. * Ori: I’m not afraid, I’m up for it. I’ll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy! * Glóin:'''Good lad, Ori! * '''Dori: Sit down! * Balin: The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest. * Ori: Hey! Who are you calling dim? * Óin:'''Sorry, what did he say? * '''Fili: We may be few in number. But we’re fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf! * Kili: And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time. * Gandalf: Oh, well. No, uh, I…I wouldn’t say… * Dori: How many then? * Gandalf: What? * Dori: Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number! * Bilbo: Uh…Please. Please. * Thorin Oakenshield:'Enough! If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor? * '''Balin:'You forget, the Front Gate is sealed. (Thorin sits back down.) There is no way into the mountain. * '''Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true. (produces a key and Thorin recognizes it) * Thorin Oakenshield:'''How come you by this? * '''Gandalf: It was given to me by your father. By Thrain. For safekeeping. It is yours now. (hands Thorin the key, who clutches onto it hard) * Fili: If there is a key, there must be a door. * Gandalf: (nods to affirm Fili's assumption) These runes speak of a hidden passage to the Lower Halls. * Kili: There's another way in. * Gandalf: Well, if we can find it, but Dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map...and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle-earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth... ...and no small amount of courage. But if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done. * Ori: That's why we need a burglar. * Bilbo: Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I'd imagine. * Óin:'''And are you? * '''Bilbo: (looks behind him and notices that the dwarves are talking to him) (confused) Am I what? * Óin:'''He said he's an expert. Hey. * '''Bilbo Baggins: Me? No. No, no, no. I'm not a burglar. * I've never stolen a thing in my life. * Balin:'''Well, I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material. * '''Bilbo Baggins: Nope. * Dwalin: Aye, the Wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves. * Gandalf: Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most, if they choose. And, while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of Dwarf... ...the scent of a Hobbit is all but unknown to him... ...which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the 14th member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know. Including himself. You must trust me on this. * (Gandalf looks at Thorin, who reluctantly agrees with the wizard for once). ''' * '''Thorin Oakenshield: Very well. We will do it your way. Give him the contract. * Glóin:'''We're in. We're off. * '''Bilbo: Please. * Balin:'''It’s just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth. * '''Bilbo: Funeral arrangements? (opens the contract and realizes how long it is) Ooh. * Thorin Oakenshield:'''I cannot guarantee his safety. * '''Gandalf: Understood. * Thorin Oakenshield:'''Nor will I be responsible for his fate. * '''Gandalf: Agreed. * Bilbo: himself ‘Total’s cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.’ Seems fair. Uh…’The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to…lacerations. Evisceration. (looks to the dwarves) Incineration? * Bofur: Oh, aye, he’ll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye. * Balin:'''You alright, laddie? * '''Bilbo: Huh? Yeah, I fe…I feel a bit faint. * Bofur: Think furnace, with wings. * Bilbo: I…I…I need air. * Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You’re nothing more than a pile of ash! * Bilbo: No. (Bilbo faints) * Gandalf: (sarcastically) Oh, very helpful, Bofur. * Bilbo Baggins: I'll be all right. Just let me sit quietly for a moment. * Gandalf:'''You've been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother's dishes... ...become so important to you? I remember a young Hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves in the woods. Who would stay out late, come home after dark... ...trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young Hobbit who would have liked nothing better... ...than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there. * '''Bilbo Baggins: I can't just go running off into the blue. I am a Baggins of Bag-end. * Gandalf:'''You are also a Took. Did you know that your great-great-great-great-uncle Bullroarer Took was so large, he could ride a real horse? * '''Bilbo Baggins: Yes. * Gandalf:'''Yes, well, he could. In the Battle of Green Fields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard, it knocked the Goblin king's head clean off... ...and it sailed 100 yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus, the battle was won. And the game of golf invented at the same time. * '''Bilbo Baggins: I do believe you made that up. * Gandalf:'''Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back. * '''Bilbo Baggins: Can you promise that I will come back? * Gandalf:'''No. And if you do... ...you will not be the same. * '''Bilbo Baggins: That's what I thought. Sorry, Gandalf, I can't sign this. You've got the wrong Hobbit. * Balin: It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy makers. Hardly the stuff of legend. * Thorin: There are a few warriors amongst us. * Balin: Old warriors. * Thorin: I would take each and every one of these dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills, for when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty, honor, a willing heart. I can ask no more than that. * Balin: You don’t have to do this. You have a choice. You’ve done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains. A life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor. * Thorin: From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me. * Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done. * Thorin singing Far over the Misty Mountains cold. To dungeons deep and caverns old. We must away ere break of day. To find our long forgotten gold. * Dwarves: singing The pines were roaring on the height, the winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread. The trees like torches blazed with light. * Bilbo: Hello! * Hobbit: Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too? * Bilbo: I can’t stop, I’m already late! * Hobbit: Late for what? * Bilbo: I’m going on an adventure! * Wait! Wait! (Everyone stops. Bilbo happily hands it over to Balin) I signed it. * Balin: Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield. * Thorin: Give him a pony. * Bilbo: No, no, no, no. That…that won’t be necessary. Thank you. I’m sure I can keep up on foot. Yeah, I…I’ve done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frog Morton once. * Oin: Come on, Nori! Pay up! * Bilbo: What’s that about? * Gandalf: Oh, they took wagers on whether or not you’d turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn’t. * Bilbo: And what did you think? * Gandalf: Well… (catches a sack of coin) My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second. * Bilbo: Oh, it’s horse hair. Having a reaction. Uh…wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around. * Gandalf: What on earth is the matter? * Bilbo: I forgot my handkerchief. * Bofur: Here! Use this. * Thorin: Move on! * Gandalf: You’ll have to manage without pocket handkerchiefs, and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey’s end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead. * (Bilbo cannot sleep because of Bombur's snoring. He gets up and smuggles an apple to Myrtle. He speaks to her gently. ) * Bilbo Baggins: Hello, girl. Who's a good girl? (feeds her) It's our little secret, Myrtle. You must tell no one. Shh, shh. (he smiles and pets her snout but there is a shriek in the air. He looks to Fili and Kili, who are already awake) What was that? * Kili:'''Orcs. * '''Bilbo Baggins" Orcs? (Thorin wakes up in alarm but sees that Fili and Kili are teasing Bilbo). * Fili: Throat-cutters. There'll be dozens of them out there. * Kili:'The lone-lands are crawling with them. They strike in the wee small hours when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood. * ''(The boys laugh when Bilbo looks panicked as if it were a joke) * '''Thorin Oakenshield: (sternly) You think that's funny? You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke? * Kili: We didn’t mean anything by it. * Thorin Oakenshield: No you didn’t. You know nothing of the world. * Balin: Don’t mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain... ...King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient Dwarf kingdom of Moria. But our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs... ...led by the most vile of all their race: Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc... ...had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began... ...by beheading the king. No! Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed... ...we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death... ...were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young Dwarf prince... ...facing down the pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent... ...wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield. Azog the Defiler learned that day... ...that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied... wand drove the Orcs back. And our enemy... ...had been defeated. But there was no feast... ...nor song that night... ...for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived. And I thought to myself then... ...there is one who I could follow. There is one... ...I could call king. * Bilbo Baggins: And the Pale Orc? What happened to him? * Thorin Oakenshield: He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago. * Hunter Orc: '''Send word to the Master, we have found the Dwarf-scum. * '''Dori: '''Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can’t you do something about this deluge? * '''Gandalf: '''It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard. * '''Bilbo: '''Are there any? * '''Gandalf: '''What? * '''Bilbo: '''Other wizards? * '''Gandalf: '''There are five us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, The White. Then there are the two blue wizards. Do you know, I’ve quite forgotten their names. * '''Bilbo: '''And who is the fifth? * '''Gandalf: '''Well, that would be Radagast, The Brown. * '''Bilbo: '''Is he a great wizard or is he…more like you? * '''Gandalf: '''I think he’s a very great wizard, in his own way. He’s a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forestlands to the East, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world. * '''Radagast: '''Not good. Not good at all! Oh. Oh, no! Oh, Sebastian! Good gracious. Move back! Give him some air, for goodness sake! I don’t understand why it’s not working, it’s not as if it’s witchcraft! Witchcraft. Oh, but it is! A dark and powerful magic. Where on this good earth do those foul creatures come from? The old fortress? Show me. * '''Thorin Oakenshield: We’ll camp here for the night. FÃli, KÃli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them. * Gandalf: (inspecting the ruined house) A farmer and his family used to live here. * Thorin Oakenshield: Oin, Gloin. * Oin: Aye? * Thorin Oakenshield: Get the fire going. * Oin: Right you are. * Gandalf: I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the hidden valley. * Thorin Oakenshield: But I’ve told you already. I will not go near that place. * Gandalf: Why not? The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice. * Thorin Oakenshield: I do not need their advice. * Gandalf: We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us. * Thorin Oakenshield: Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father. * Gandalf: You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past. * Thorin Oakenshield: I did not know they were yours to keep. * Bilbo: (sees Gandalf storm off in frustration) Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going? * Gandalf: To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense. * Bilbo: And who’s that? * Gandalf: Myself, mister Baggins! I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day. * Thorin Oakenshield: Come on Bombur, we’re hungry. * Bilbo: (to Balin) Is he coming back? (The dwarf looks unsure at Bilbo. At night time, Bilbo is still worrying because Gandalf has yet to return. He’s been a long time. * Bofur: Who? * Bilbo: Gandalf. * Bofur: He’s a wizard! He does as he chooses. Here. Do us a favor, take this to the lads. (hands Bilbo the soup but stops Bombur from taking more.) Stop it, you’ve had plenty. * Bilbo: What’s the matter? * Kili: We’re supposed to be looking after the ponies. * Fili: Only we’ve encountered a slight problem. * Kili: We had sixteen. * Fili: Now there’s fourteen. * they look to see which ponies are missing * Kili: Daisy and Bungle are missing. * Bilbo: What? Well, that’s not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn’t we tell Thorin? * Fili: Uh…no. Let’s not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it. * Bilbo: Well, uh…it looks as if something big uprooted these trees. * Kili: That was our thinking. * Bilbo: It’s something very big, and possibly quite dangerous. * Fili: Hey! There’s a light. * Kili * Fili: Over here! * all move closer towards the light * Fili: Stay down. * Bilbo: What is it? * Kili: Trolls. * Bilbo: He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them, we have to do something. * Kili: Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small. They’ll never see you. * Bilbo: Me? Me? No. No. No. * Kili: It’s perfectly safe! * Fili: We’ll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl. * Bilbo: Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown…hoots like a…like a… Uh, are you sure this is a good idea? * William Troll: Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow. * Bert Troll: Quit your griping. These ain’t sheep! These is West nags! * Tom Troll: Oh! I don’t like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them. * William Troll: Well, it’s better than a leathery ol’ farmer. All skin and bone he was. I’m still pickin’ bits of him out o’ me teeth. * Bert Troll: Well, that’s lovely, that is. A floater.hobbit-7 * William Troll: Oh! Might improve the flavor! * Tom Troll: Ah! There’s more where that came from. * Bert Troll: Oh, no you don’t! * Tom Troll: Oww! Oww! * Bert Troll: Sit down! * Tom Troll: Well…I hope you’re gonna gut these nags? I don’t like the stinky parts. * Tom Troll: Oww! * Bert Troll: I said sit down! * William Troll: I’m starving, are we having horse tonight or what? * Bert Troll: Shut your cake hole! You’ll eat what I’ll give ya! * William Troll: How come he’s the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken. * Tom Troll: Except the chicken. * William Troll: What tastes like fish! * Bert Troll: I’m just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. ‘Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert.’ How hard is that? Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung. Here, that’s my grog! * Tom Troll: Sorry. Oww! * Bert Troll: Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is. Wrap your loganbie around that, mate. Huh? Good ain’t it? That’s why I’m the cook. * William Troll: Me guts are grumbling, I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh! * Tom Troll: Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what’s come out of me hooter! It’s got arms and legs and everything! * Bert Troll: What is it? * Tom Troll: I don’t know, but I don’t like the way it wriggles around! * Bert Troll: What are you then? An oversized squirrel? * Bilbo: I’m a burglar…uh, hobbit! * Tom Troll: A ‘burglar-hobbit’? * William Troll: Can we cook him?? * Tom Troll: We can try! * Bert Troll: He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful. Not when he’s skinned and boned! * William Troll: Perhaps there’s more burglar-hobbits ’round these parts, might be enough for a pie! Grab him! * Tom Troll: He’s too quick! * William Troll: Oah, come here! you little… * William Troll: Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn’t? * Bilbo: No. * Tom Troll: He’s lying! * Bilbo: I’m not! * Tom Troll: Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal! * (Kili rushes in and slashes one of the trolls' legs * Kili: Drop him! * William Troll: You what? * Kili: I said, drop him. (The trolls toss Bilbo to Kili, who promptly catches the Hobbit, but both of them fall onto the ground) Bilbo! * Thorin: No! (pulls Kili back to prevent him from getting hurt or Bilbo killed) * William Troll: Lay down your arms! Or we’ll rip his off! Don’t bother cooking ’em! Let’s just sit on 'em and squash ’em into jelly! * Bert Troll: They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage. * Tom Troll: Oh, that does sound quite nice. * William Troll: Never mind the seasoning, we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, let’s get a move on! I don’t fancy been turned to stone. * Bilbo: Wait! You are making a terrible mistake. * Dori: You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits! * Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us? * Bilbo: I meant with the…uh, with the…with the seasoning. * Bert Troll: What about the seasoning? * Bilbo: Well, have you smelt them? You’re gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up! * William Troll: What do you know about cooking dwarf? * Bert Troll: Shut up, and let the…uh, flurgerburbur-hobbit talk. * Bilbo: Uh…the-the secret to cooking dwarf, is um… * Bert Troll: Yes? Come on. * Bilbo: It’s, uh… * Bert Troll: Tell us the secret! * Bilbo: Ye-yes, I’m telling you. The secret is…to…skin them first! * Bert Troll: Tom, get me filleting knife. * William Troll: What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff ’em I say, boots and all! * Tom Troll: He’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit o’ raw dwarf. Nice and crunchy. * Bilbo: Uh…not…not that one, he…he’s infected! * William Troll: You what? * Bilbo: Yeah he’s got worms in his…tubes. * Tom Troll: Ooh! * Bilbo: In-in fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites, it’s a terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t. * Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites? * Kili: Yeah, we don’t have parasites! You have parasites! * realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili and they realize what Bilbo is doing * Oin: I’ve got parasites as big as my arm! * Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites! * Nori: We’re riddled! * Ori: Yes, I’m riddled! * Dori: Yes, we are, badly! * William Troll: What would you have us do then? Let ’em all go? * Bilbo: Well… * William Troll: You think I don’t know what you’re up to. This little ferret is taking us for fools! * Bilbo: Ferret? * Bert Troll: Fools? * (Gandalf comes from his hiding spot, with his staff in hand) ''' * '''Gandalf: The dawn will take you all! * William Troll: Who’s that? * Bert Troll: No idea. * Tom Troll: Can we eat him too? * Dwalin: Ooh, get your foot out of my back! * Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask? * Gandalf: To look ahead. * Thorin: What brought you back? * Gandalf: Looking behind. Nasty business. Still they all are in one piece. * Thorin: No thanks to your burglar. * Gandalf: He had the nous to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that. They must have come down from the Ettenmoors. * Thorin: Since when the mountain trolls venture this far south? * Gandalf: Oh, not for an age. Not since a darker power ruled these lands. (Thorin and Gandalf look at each other in alarm)They could not have moved in daylight. * Thorin: There must be a cave nearby. * Bofur: Oh, what’s that stench?! * Gandalf: It’s a troll hoard. Be careful what you touch. * Bofur: Seems a shame just to leave it lying around. Anyone could take it. * Gloin: Agreed. Nori, get a shovel. * Thorin: These swords were not made by any troll. * Gandalf: Nor were they made by any smith among men. These were forged in Gondolin, by the High Elves, of the First Age. You could not wish for a finer blade. * Gloin: We’re making a long-term deposit. * Thorin: Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go. Bofur, Gloin, Nori. * Gandalf: Bilbo. * Bilbo: Hm? * Gandalf: Here. This is about your size. * Bilbo: I can’t take this. * Gandalf: The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby. * Bilbo: I have…I have never used a sword in my life. * Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one. * Thorin: Something’s coming! * Bilbo: Gandalf. * Gandalf: Stay together! Hurry, now! Arm yourselves! * Radagast: Thieves! Fire! Murder! * Gandalf: Radagast. It’s Radagast the Brown! * Gandalf: What on earth are you doing here? * Radagast: I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong. * Gandalf: Yes? * Radagast: Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old… stick insect. (Gandalf removes the stick bug from Radagast's mouth, earning disturbed looks from Bilbo, Fili and Oin) * Radagast: The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf. A darkness has fallen over it. Nothing grows any more, at least nothing good. The air is foul with decay. But worst are the webs.” * Gandalf: Webs? What do you mean?” * Radagast: Spiders, Gandalf. Giant ones. Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant, or I am not a Wizard. I followed their trail. They came from Dol Guldur.” * Gandalf: Dol Guldur? But the old fortress is abandoned.” * Radagast: No, Gandalf, it is not. A dark power dwells in there... ...such as I have never felt before. It is the shadow of an ancient horror. One that can summon the spirits... ...of the dead. I saw him, Gandalf. From out of the darkness... ...a Necromancer has come. Radagast. Quick! Quick, quick! Quick, quick! Wait for me! Sorry. * Gandalf: Try a little old Toby. It’ll help setting your nerves. In, and out. Now, the Necromancer. Are you sure? *'Radagast: '''That is not from the world of the living. *'Bilbo: Was that a wolf? Are there…are there wolves out there? *'Bofur: '''Wolves? No, that is not a wolf. *'Thorin: 'Warg scouts! Which means an orc pack is not far behind! *'Bilbo: 'Orc pack? *'Gandalf: 'Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin? *'Thorin: 'No one. *'Gandalf: 'Who did you tell?! *'Thorin: 'No one, I swear! What in Durin’s name is going on? *'Gandalf: 'You are being hunted. *'Dwalin: 'We have to get out of here. *'Ori: We can’t! We have no ponies. They bolted. *'Radagast: '''I’ll draw them off. *'Gandalf: 'These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you! *'Radagast: '''These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I’d like to see them try. * Category:Transcripts